The other night, as Drew Brees torched the Lions in the fourth quarter, my friends’ and I’s attention turned from the game to mocking a drunk girl at the table next to us.
Among other things, we watched her try in vain for nearly a minute to get her arm in the proper sleeve of her coat. She struggled, first trying to put it on inside out, then upside down, before finally getting it on properly. As we applauded, she smiled smugly and walked out the door to go home, only to realize that her friends had long since taken her keys.
For a long time, we’ve treated the Detroit Lions like that drunk girl, clapping politely as they stumbled through games, not really expecting anything more than an embarrassing spectacle. Matt Millen, of course, played the part of the friend who bought all the shots to get her drunk and then took her keys so she couldn’t actually go anywhere.
Actually, if that friend were Matt Millen, she, the drunk friend and Charles Rogers would have all piled in the car and wrecked it, but I digress.
The Lions had a good year. A 10-6 regular season record and a spot in the playoffs is nothing to scoff at, but if we think Detroit isn’t just that drunk girl anymore, falling over and making us laugh, then we shouldn’t be overly pleased with this year’s showing either.
Nobody believed they could win a game in New Orleans against the Saints — who remain perfect in the Superdome after beating the Lions 45-28 Saturday, so it came as quite a shock when they actually led at halftime. Of course in typical Lions fashion, they still found a way to get blown out, but not before actually playing some impressive football.
For those of us who’ve stuck by the Lions through decades of wandering through the proverbial desert, it was a pretty good way to end the season.
Then again, if we were to expect more from this football team, we would have ample reason to be upset as well. After all, they could have won that game. They dropped a ball that they should have intercepted three times and each time they did, Drew Brees took his weird birthmark and his second chance and crammed it down the Lions throat.
The two times the Lions actually did take the ball away from the Saints (both fumbles) they failed to score and ended up punting the ball right back. These kinds of missed opportunities have killed them all year and ultimately it is what doomed their season.
We can only hope that next year the defense gets it together like the offense. Against New Orleans, Matthew Stafford was 28-43 for 380 yards passing and three touchdowns (two to Calvin Johnson, who had 212 yards receiving.) The rushing game was nonexistent, but what do you expect when Silent Bob is your lead back?
So the season is over, but as much of a roller coaster ride as this season has been, the anguish, joy and heartache is only going to get more intense from here.
The Lions have been lovable (and sometimes not-so lovable) losers for years. When they embarrassed us by taking the wind, we got upset for a few minutes but then shrugged and said “Same old Lions.”
When they did well, we smiled and patted them on the back, knowing full well that like the drunk girl, it was only a matter of time until they did something else, like trying to light a cigarette from the wrong end or hiring Rod Marinelli.
The difference is that now that they’ve been able to sustain a level of success, the expectations are higher. No longer can they give a team so many second chances like they did Brees and the Saints and still be told that just making a decent showing was good enough. This isn’t the YMCA, there are no participation trophies, and we shouldn’t be satisfied with the fact that they just made it to the playoffs. From now on, we should expect to see them win and we shouldn’t be happy unless they do.
I think that we are looking at a new era of Lions football. I just hope that, like the meathead who spent all night buying that drunk girl shots only to find out that she had a boyfriend, the Lions aren’t suckering us in, making us believe, then saying “thanks for the drinks” as they kick us in the nuts.
As a Lions fan, I kind of expect it.
Then again, I guess we’ll never learn, because no matter what happens, we’ll all be back year after year.
See you next season.
Posted in Lions losses New Orleans Saints Playoff losses by .
Matt Flynn should buy Alphonso Smith a muffin basket or a Mercedes or something.
Who? Yeah. Matt fucking Flynn. The guy who was previously known as “the quarterback from LSU who wasn’t JaMarcus Russell,” set a Packers record for touchdown passes as Green Bay beat the Lions 45-41 Sunday in Green Bay.
With that, Flynn just became 2012′s Matt Cassel. He’s now a sure bet to take up a lot of cap space and create a whole lot of heartache for some poor team in need of a quarterback. Meanwhile Alphonso Smith is becoming the NFL’s Paris Hilton; he’ll lay down for anyone and when more people are watching, the better.
With their chance at an undefeated season gone, the Packers had nothing to play for. All the Lions had to do was hold a team full of guys who spent the season holding clipboards and sitting on the bench with their helmets off to less than 41 fucking points. Instead, they gave up six touchdown passes to a mediocre college quarterback.
As an aside, it’s surprising that in all their years of playing the Lions through the years, how did Aaron Rogers, Brett Favre, Bart Starr or hell even Don Majkowski not throw for six touchdowns against at least once against one of the absolutely pitiful Detroit teams?
The defensive performance was abysmal, but it wasn’t all doom and gloom. Matthew Stafford and the Lions offense hung 41 on a bunch of high school-caliber talent, so they held up their end of the deal. Stafford was 36-for-59 for 520 yards and five touchdowns. He also had two two interceptions.
That stat line is ridiculous. Do the Lions even pretend to run the ball anymore? Silent Bob led all Lions rushers with 35 yards. Meanwhile Megatron had 244 yards receiving and one touchdown. Brandon Pettigrew had 114 receiving yards, but as usual, a couple crucial balls bounced right off his Mt. Rushmore-like hands.
The Green Bay receiving corps was nearly as prolific, Jordy Nelson in particular (162 yards, three touchdowns). At one point that weird eye thing-having, helmsman for the Starship Enterprise pushed Alphonso Smith to the ground by his face and pranced into the end zone like it was the easiest thing in the world.
Wait, maybe this whole thing didn’t happen. Maybe it was just a Matt Flynn holodeck fantasy. Wait, was that a Star Trek reference too far? OK, sorry.
Of course, it wasn’t just the Lions defense and the Green Bay Peewee Packers beating up on the Lions, the referees and some ridiculous NFL rules did their part as well.
Titus Young’s catch in the end zone early in the third quarter should have been a touchdown, but as Jim Schwartz had already used his two challenges, there was no way for an official to review the play. That wasn’t the only screw job the Lions suffered. Schwartz used the aforementioned second challenge to review a Stefan Logan fumble that wasn’t on a kickoff return. The officials didn’t overturn the call, however, and Green Bay retained the ball.
So anyway, as Alphonso Smith and this joke of a Lions defensive backfield were making Matt Flynn a rich man, there were a lot of Lions fans saying “We’re going to playoffs, who cares about this game?”
Sure, the Lions are going to the playoffs, but now instead of playing the New York Giants and showing the world why Stafford, not that Bobbleheaded meat-cutter from Indianapolis’ little brother should be going to the Pro Bowl, they are going to New Orleans for a repeat of the shellacking they got in week 13.
If we think the Lions defense got embarrassed by the rejects from Green Bay practice squad, wait until they get into the SuperDome and the New Orleans Saints. Personally, I hope Ndamukong Suh stomps on someone’s head and a brawl starts so maybe the referees will call the game early. It’s the only way we can get out of this game with even a shred of dignity intact.
So along with so many other Lions fans in this town, I’ll be hoping for some kind of miracle next week. Maybe the Lions show up, Louis Delmas comes back and Drew Brees gets the stomach flu. Whatever does happen, the Lions are going to have to earn it. The way they played against the Packers, they’ll be lucky to not lose by 20.
Posted in Green Bay Packers Lions losses by .
‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through Ford Field;
The stadium was a-rocking, all fans watching with eyes peeled;
No championship banners were hung, the rafters were bare;
Because nothing but terrible football had ever been played there;
The Lions were all ready with ice water running through their veins;
While visions of playoffs stomped through their brains;
And the Schwartz in his headset and Gunther in his team fleece;
Were preparing the game plan piece-by-piece;
When out on the field there arose such a clatter;
That the fans sprang from their seats to see what was the matter;
Down to the field they stared with mouths wide,
Their beer and popcorn falling aside,
On the empty field, the stadium lights shining down;
Made the sidelines look like a ghost town;
When, what to their wondering eyes should appear,
But 45 men in Honolulu Blue charging without fear,
With a man in a headset telling his team to be good sports,
They knew in a moment that it must be the Schwartz,
More rapid than the Chargers his courser they came,
And he whistled, and shouted and called them by name;
Now Suh! Now Johnson! Now Stafford and Backus!
On Vanden Bosch! On Burleson! On Scheffler and Cherilus!
Forward down the field, Go hard, win the game
Down the field and gain, A Lion victory (and a PLAYOFF BID!!!!)
Posted in Lions wins San Diego Chargers by .
Early in the fourth quarter, my cat decided to cough up a hairball. It was quite the disgusting display, but one I thought was fortuitous, considering how some 800 pound Raiders lineman had just stumbled into the end zone after Stafford had basically handed the ball to him on the four yard line.
Unlike my dumb dog who thinks it’s the greatest thing in the world when my wife squeezes her into a Lions jersey, I believe that cats are smart (and evil). I’ve always been convinced that my cat hated me, but for that one moment I thought that maybe she was on my side. Maybe she knows that I just can’t handle watching the Lions poop outside of the litter box one more time and she’s finding the only way she can to get me off that couch.
Turns out I was wrong and that by cleaning up that mess I nearly missed the end of the game. I got back just in time to see Stafford to bounce a couple passes off the granite counter tops that Brandon Pettigrew calls hands before looking up in the huddle and saying “holy shit, Calvin Johnson, you still play for this team? I nearly forgot! I guess I’ll throw to you now.”
So it looks like my cat isn’t looking out for me after all. Really, she’s exactly what I thought she was, an asshole of a cat who likes to puke on the carpet and torment the dog.
So if I had turned off the television like my asshole cat wanted me to, I would have missed the 99-yard game-winning drive. If that jerk of a cat had her way, I would have missed Ndamukong Suh getting his pinky finger on the ball, knocking down Seabass’ 65-yard field goal attempt. If that selfish bastard of a cat had tricked me into not watching the end of the game, I would have been kicking myself all week for missing the Lions 28-27 win over Oakland. Instead, I’m basking in the Lions first winning record in a decade and daydreaming about watching Sebastian Janikowski tee up my cat and boot her 65 yards.
For all but the first 58 minutes, the game was a great one for the Lions. Matthew Stafford was 29-52 for 375 yards and four touchdowns.
The running game, on the other hand, was positively Mike Martz-like. With Stafford throwing 52 times, that meant the Lions only stayed on the ground 19 times. It seems like we’re’re not even pretending to have a running game any more. Silent Bob had 15 carries for 43 yards (SERIOUSLY?), the longest of which was a 14-yard run in the third quarter.
So the Lions are now 9-5 and with the Bears and Giants losing this week, need just one more win to clinch their first playoff spot since 1999. Too bad they’re not going to get it.
I know it’s easy to get all hyped up after a positively Tebow-esque come back (remember when the Lions were the comeback kids?) but we need to be realistic.
Let’s just assume that the Lions are going to keep their losing streak in Green Bay that dates back to the first Bush Administration alive and that leaves only their home game against San Diego as a possible win that will get them into the playoffs.
Now, in fairness, the Chargers aren’t world beaters, but Phillip Rivers throwing to Vincent Jackson against Detroit’s third string defensive backfield? This is a recipe for a nightmare. San Diego is going to roll the Lions, and no amount of Stafford closing his eyes and heaving the ball to Calvin against a prevent defense in the final seconds of the game is going to make up for the 1,100 total passing yards the defense is about to give up.
Enjoy it while it lasts, Lions fans, because in another couple of weeks we’ll be pounding leftover eggnog hoping to black out before we have to see Aaron Rodgers do his fifth Discount Double-Check dance of the afternoon, only to wake up in a stupor and ask how long it is until Spring Training starts.
Such is the life of a miserable Lions fan.
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Detroit 28, Oakland 27: Lions closing in on playoffs (Detroit Free Press)
Lions roar back for thrilling win over Raiders (Detroit News)
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Posted in Lions wins Oakland Raiders by .
While on vacation in Miami last week, my family and I went to a place called Monkey Jungle. Part of the attraction is that you walk through caged in tunnels and the monkeys can climb all around you, occasionally lowering dishes for you to put food in.
This often leads to fights, and we saw a particularly hilarious one. One monkey, who seemed to be the alpha male, was just dominating this area of the park, eating up all the raisins and cranberries that people had to offer. He sat there, perfectly content, until another monkey snuck up behind him and nearly pushed him off of his perch.
The monkey had felt safe up there, he didn’t think anyone could touch him.
I couldn’t help but thinking about those stupid monkeys as I watched the Lions play yesterday. There they were, sitting on a 21 point lead thinking that nobody can fuck with them and their pile of raisins, when in comes Joe Webb, saying “fuck you and your stupid fucking monkey face!” and before we know it, we’re damn near losing to the MINNESTOA FUCKING VIKINGS, giving up the win to an absolute piece of shit of a football team (and believe me, being a Lions fan for this long, I know a coiled, foul-smelling turd of a football team when I see one.)
I suppose we shouldn’t be complaining, right? A win is a win and with just a couple more, we could be heading to the playoffs.
We shouldn’t be concerned that the Lions damn near choked away a 21 point lead on the final drive of the game. It shouldn’t matter to us that the Lions were nearly topped it all off with one final act of stupidity — a face masking call that went unseen or that was simply ignored on the final play of the game — that would have given the Vikings a free play with the ball on the 1/2 yard line. We shouldn’t care that we’ve got no running backs to speak of and our stud wide receiver has apparently gone missing. I mean shit, all of our offense came from Stone Hands and the Grinch who stole Thanksgiving 2010.
The Lions are talented, but their lineup is thinner than Donald Trump’s hairline. If another running back goes down they might have to sign the goofus who does the punt catching contest at halftime (can they pay him in free hair cuts from Lady Jane’s?)
You’ve got to give it to the Lions though, just a week from completely shitting the bed in New Orleans, they were lucky enough to run into Minnesota’s b-team (not having AD running the ball really helped.) If Webb had started instead of Christian Ponder, we might have seen a different result. Don’t get me wrong, both Ponder and Webb are incredibly shitty quarterbacks, it’s just that Webb is a Puddle of Mudd to Ponder’s Nickelback.
So the Lions have Oakland next week, which is a very losable game. The Raiders are also fighting for a playoff spot and the Black Hole is a notoriously tough place to play. From there, they can find a way to blow a home game against the struggling Chargers before getting their necks stepped on by Aaron Rodgers and the Packers, who may very well be playing for an undefeated season at that point.
In other words, although we’re looking at a .500 season at worst at this point, we may have to settle for just that. Ah, the joys of being a Lions fan, being elated about a non-losing season. Shoot me now.
Posted in Lions wins Minnesota Vikings by .
While on vacation yesterday, I saw two pelicans having sex.
We were cruising around on a boat on the Florida intercoastal waterway and there they were, on the end of a dock. It was terrifying, they were screeching and flapping and biting and making a terrible ruckus. It looked more like a fight or something you’d see in a Marv Albert sex tape than mating. As horrific as it was to watch, after seeing the Lions defense against the Saints, it was only the second worst thing I’d seen that day.
As always seems to happen with the Lions, when they get a game on national television, they shit the bed. They didn’t disappoint Sunday night, losing to the Saints 31-17.
In a lot of ways, it was the Lions who sewed their own fate, making mental mistake after mental mistake. I mean, who thinks punching another player right in front of the referee or shoving said referee later in the game is a good idea?
The Lions committed 11 penalties for 107 yards, including three offensive pass interference penalties on Nate Burleson, who had his hands on more defensive backs than Paris Hilton at a hand job contest.
So in addition to ruining day one of my vacation, here are a run-down of the offenses the Lions committed.
Four pass interference calls. Shockingly, only one was against Eazy-E. Three, seemingly in a row, were called on Nate Burleson. The most infuriating of those penalties came on a ball that he couldn’t have even caught anyway, yet Burleson pushed the defensive back to the ground like he was stealing his lunch money and jumped for a ball that sailed five feet over his head.
Unsportsmanlike conduct: Taunting. Keelan Williams thought it would be cute to flip the ball at XXX after the two were talking some shit. The referee thought it would be cute to throw the yellow flag and take 15 yards back from a pretty good kick return.
Unsportsmanlike conduct: Punching another player in the face. Titus Young either lost his fucking mind or was jealous of all the attention Ndamukong Suh has been getting this week and wanted his own face-to-face with Roger Goodell. The best way to do that, I guess, is to punch an opposing player in the face right in front of the referee. If Titus was looking for a fine, he’ll probably get it. If he’s looking for face time with the commish, he may have to wait in line behind Brandon Pettigrew.
Unsportsmanlike conduct: Contact with an official. Stone Hands, who wasn’t thrown to all night, finally caught a pass and as he was getting up, got tangled up with XXX. As the two started jawing, the ref stepped in to make sure it didn’t get out of hand. That’s when Pettigrew laid his hands of granite on the official, giving him a little shove. The Lions got penalized 15 yards and Stone Hands was lucky he was able to stay in the game.
Unsportsmanlike conduct: Making Bobby Carpenter wear a helmet over that amazing hair. I only saw a clip of him at the very end as he was walking by Brad Fisher, but XXX looks like he should be in “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter” commercials.
Besides the penalties, the defense was an absolute abortion for most of the game. Sure, there were a few bright spots, but those were the clear areas in an otherwise hemorrhoid-covered ass of a game.
Several times, especially at the end, Drew Brees could have set up a folding chair and ordered a pizza back there. Did the Lions forget that this wasn’t backyard football and they didn’t have to count to 10 Mississippi before rushing? The front four on defense was nearly nonexistent, but it got even worse once the Saints got into the defensive backfield.
When he wasn’t getting pass interference penalties, Eazy-E was getting twisted up and smoked several times (come to think of it, this game would have been much easier to deal with had I been bought some weed off that dealer on the beach in Nassau.) the bottom line is, without Delmas and Levy back there, the Lions defensive backfield looks lost.
Matthew Stafford carried the offense in his gloveless hands, going 31-for-44 for 379 yards, one touchdown and one interception.
Sadly, the only people who might have been pleased with the Lions performance were Stafford’s fantasy owners. I hate to sound like a broken record, but it’s looking more and more like 2007 every day. Hell, even Harrington and Kitna has gaudy stat lines in the midst of the epic Lions crash of that year.
There are a couple of salvageable games (Minnesota, San Diego), a must-win (Oakland) and a never in a million fucking years will they even come close (Green Bay) but from here on out, the Lions are going to need some help if they’re going to make the playoffs.
Posted in Lions losses New Orleans Saints by .
With a two game suspension looming for his embarrassing attempt at doing the running man on Green Bay’s Evan Dietrich-Smith, I think the whole Ndamukong Suh “stomping” incident is just begging for us to take another look with a critical eye.
He says he didn’t do it, at least intentionally anyway, so don’t we owe him the benefit of the doubt? There are all kinds of other possible explanations for what went on, here are just a few:
1. He was still fired up from Nickeblack’s halftime performance and was trying to dance.
2. He blacked out for a second and thought he was in the movie Any Given Sunday.
3. He had some of those little black field turf pellets stuck in his cleats and was trying to get them off.
4. He saw a spider on Smith’s jersey and was trying to kill it.
5. He heard the hokey pokey playing over the PA.
6. He was really pissed off and decided that torpedoing the Lions’ playoff hopes by doing something stupid was the best way to express his frustration.
7. Like Carol Burnett’s ear tug, stomping on another player was Suh’s way of slyly saying hello to Roger Goodell.
8. Aaron Rodgers had eaten a banana in the huddle and taking inspiration from a pre-game round of Super Mario Kart, threw the peel on the ground for Suh to slip on.
9. He got a sudden case of the jimmy legs.
10. He’s an asshole.
The stomp heard round the world was just one little mini drama in a complete abortion of a football game. I suppose by now we should be used to the Lions ruining Thanksgiving, but it never seems to get easier. After initially keeping it close, Suh’s ejection and a rash of injuries were too much for the Lions, whose decimated defense couldn’t handle Aaron Rodgers and the Packers. With the 27-15 loss, the Lions Thanksgiving day losing streak now stands at eight.
As if Suh getting tossed wasn’t bad enough, Chris Houston, Kevin Smith, Brandon McDonald and DeAndre Levy all went down with injuries. The second-string just wasn’t good enough, and by the fourth quarter, Detroit was getting pounded like a coked-up stripper in the back of Brett Michaels’ tour bus.
In fairness, the Lions were in trouble long before that. The offense never really got started (which is typical) in the first half. I wish that I was being hyperbolic when I say that every drive that got into Packers territory stalled after a stupid penalty. As is usual for the Lions, they authored their own demise.
In spite of the ineptitude, the Lions were somehow only down a touchdown when Suh went dancing early in the third quarter. From there it was all downhill and no amount of Darko Milicic, garbage-time stat-padding was going to make the difference.
So for the eighth straight year, the Lions made us start drinking early on Thanksgiving. Glovesy Stafford looked fairly decent, throwing for 276 yards and three interceptions — two of which weren’t his fault — I’m looking at you, Stone Hands. I mean, really, REALLY, letting Charles Woodson just take the ball out of your hands!?!? I’ve seriously had enough of this guy.
Although Suh’s selfishness and stupidity stings, the injuries to Houston, Smith, McDonald and Levy are what is really going to hurt the Lions’ chances at a playoff spot. Next week they get Drew Brees and the New Orleans Saints. It’s not going to be pretty.
It looks like we’re going to have another January with the Lions not playing meaningful football. I suppose we shouldn’t be surprised.
Posted in Green Bay Packers Lions losses by .
All that was missing from the beat down Kevin Smith and the Lions gave the Carolina Panthers Sunday was the sock of quarters.
On Smith’s back, the Lions beat Carolina 49-35, coming back from 17 down.
It was a great comeback win, but it didn’t have to be that way. Anyone with the IQ of a potato could have seen that coming out throwing against the 30th best run defense in the league was probably not the right game plan. Instead of letting Silent Bob have the ball from the beginning, Stafford came out slinging.
With Glovesy directing the offense like some drunken traffic cop (he threw ten times in the first quarter) the Lions found themselves down 17 on 5-for-10 passing with two interceptions as Auburn’s highest paid player since Bo Jackson piled it on.
About midway through the second quarter, someone on the Detroit coaching staff must have gotten around to setting their fantasy lineup and noticed the tip next to Silent Bob’s player profile (Great matchup. Carolina has given up the most fantasy points to running backs this season,) and thought “I say, chap, that’s a capital idea! Glovesy, start handing the the ball off more!”
Did I also mention that the coach was from the 1930s? And how!
So on the advice of an old-timey coach, the Lions handed the ball to Silent Bob and let him go with it. From there, the Lions awoke and went on a 42-10 run. There hasn’t been a Lions running performance like that since Pug Vaughan racked up all those yards against the Giants back in the ’35 title game (old-timey coach missed most of the Barry Sanders years.)
So the Lions coaching staff did what all but the most unimaginative Madden players do, they ran to set up the pass. In recent years, the only thing Lions runs have set up are long third down incompletions and fourth down punts.
Kevin Smith made up for an absolute turd of a performance in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back with 16 carries for 140 yards and two touchdowns. Once Glovesy calmed down, he too was a fantasy football wet dream, throwing for 335 yards and five touchdowns. The two picks at the beginning of the game were all but forgotten by everyone but the most cynical fans (yours truly, included.)
It took awhile, but the play calling eventually came around, which is something we would have never been able to say in the recent past. Maybe the Lions coaching staff are finally introducing a bit of common sense and conventional wisdom into their game planning. It’s encouraging to see that they’ve gotten away from the standard Lions run, run, throw into triple coverage to Megatron, punt philosophy.
The coaching staff still seems slow to react, which is a little frightening. If they want to hang with real contenders, they’re going to need to come out of the gate with a workable game plan instead of spending a half seeing what the other team is throwing at them. You can’t come from 20 down every game.
In the meantime, the Silent Bob pickup makes the Schwartz and Mayhew look like freaking geniuses. I’m not going to lie, like everyone else, I was going nuts as Kevin Smith ran like he was being chased by LaFours, but I don’t know how he’s going to hold up against a real defense like Green Bay. I hope he does well, if for no other reason than because I don’t want Thanksgiving to be ruined by having to watch Aaron Rodgers do his stupid discount double-check dance.
“Oh you’re a quarterback? Well I’m a robot!” SHUT THE FUCK UP, ROGERS!
So the win over Carolina brings the Lions’ record to 7-3 and keeps the playoff hope alive. It feels good now, but should we still be expecting a collapse? We’ve automatically got to expect two losses to Green Bay, which brings them a little closer to the Detroit comfort zone at .500. From there, they’re only a few stupid mistakes from watching the playoffs from their couches like the rest of us suckers.
Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention Scheffler’s AT&T Flash Mob dance. It was hands down the best Lions TD celebration since Drew Stanton did the Dougie last year.
Happy Thanksgiving, jerk-offs!
Posted in Carolina Panthers Lions wins by .
I was pretty conspicuous walking around Waikiki yesterday. Standing out among the throngs of Haoles in cheap Aloha shirts and Old Navy flip flops, I was the one shouting at my phone. I was in paradise and I let the Lions creep into my day and ruin it.
It was like watching Weekend at Bernies 3: Lions vs. Bears. Matthew Stafford was dead on arrival, throwing four interceptions — two of which were returned for touchdowns — as the Lions went into Chicago and completely shit the bed, losing to the Bears 37-16. Never have I wished that the battery on my phone would actually run out faster. It was an absolute shitshow and yet I couldn’t turn away.
The Lions got dominated on nearly every down. I wish I could say that they didn’t look like themselves, but as anyone who has been watching the Lions for any amount of time longer than, oh the last eight games will know, they looked EXACTLY like the Lions. The same old fucking terrible, goddamn piece of shit, can’t finish a game, hell can’t even start a damn game, making me hate myself for watching them Lions.
The similarity to the 2007 Lions is uncanny. Those Lions, like our current ones started 6-2, blew out Denver, then went on the road and got it handed to them. The loss began a horrific second-half collapse that ended with the players watching the playoffs from their couches and us fans spending the last dollars of our unemployment checks on a handle of 5 o’clock vodka so we can drink ourselves into a stupor, mumbling “Fire Millen, Fire Millen” as we slowly drift into a blackout state where there are no Lions to suck the last tiny bit of enjoyment we have in our miserable lives.
This Lions performance was pathetic, even by Lions standards. I think we all knew the other shoe was going to drop eventually, but a loss to the Bears? Like this? It was a loss that even a dozen Mai Tai’s couldn’t erase the memory of. Believe me, I tried.
Stafford looked confused the whole damn game, throwing the ball to the other team half the time and then trying to start a fight after he realized his mistake. Maybe he’s just trying to get a head start on the inevitable shoulder injury. My prediction? We’ll see Drew Stanton doing the Bernie in the end zone by week 11.
By then, the Lions will be mired in another losing streak and Ndamukong Suh will be making a tee time for the second week of January. God fucking dammit. I’m going to go take a long walk off of a short pier now.
Posted in Chicago Bears Lions losses by .
Here in Detroit, our memories are long. It seems like just yesterday that the Lions were trouncing the Denver Broncos, scoring every which way, including on an improbably long interception return. The win — and geez, I can see it like it just happened — took the Lions to 6-2.
The year was 2007, the defensive star that day was Shaun Rogers and the Lions went on to lose seven of their final eight games to go, turning a sure spot into the playoffs into another off season filled with self-doubt and draft ineptitude.
Now, to be fair, there was a long history of draft ineptitude leading up to that year, including taking Drew Stanton, Ikaika Alama-Francis and Gerald Alexander in the second round that year.
I don’t mean to piss on everyone’s corn flakes, but we have to be realistic about the Lions 6-2 record. Yes, they’re 4-0 on the road, but let’s do a little math. Their two losses come against teams with a combined 0.714 winning percentage, while six teams they’ve beat are a combined 0.428. Two of those teams — Tampa Bay (4-3) and Chicago (4-3) are over .500. How are the Lions going to look when they run into New Orleans, San Diego and Green Bay (twice!)?
This is the year it’s going to be different though, right?
Well, even the most cynical might seem to think so, because among the tough games in the second half of the season, the Lions also have Carolina, Minnesota and Chicago. Is a playoff appearance — the first since 1999 — in the cards? Until the Lions prove otherwise, we can dream, can’t we?
So now thanks to the bye week, we’ve got two weeks to think about how amazing it was to show the world that Touchdown Jesus is an over-hyped whiner. He reminds me of Safety Dan Orlovsky without the keen decision-making skills.
I never understood, how after watching Tebow somehow lead a comeback by closing his eyes and throwing the ball down the field for the last five minutes against a terrible Miami Dolphins team that he was somehow the second coming. This week he was 18-39 for 117 passing yards, and yet somehow he’s starting next week against Oakland. Thank goodness I’m not a Broncos fan, or I might have to jump off something very tall, like Pike’s Peak.
I shouldn’t judge. It was only a few years ago that we pinned our hopes on Joey Sunshine, Safety Dan and a collection of other clowns too painful to name. If history is any judge, it won’t be long before we’re back to wishing we had something as tall as Pike’s Peak around here.
Posted in Denver Broncos Lions wins by .